Pathetic Attempt of Being a Bouquet

No matter what I do or say, no one truly understands what I'm going through. My Grand Dad is dying of a rare blood disease, my life force (job with YMCA) has been taken away, and I'm pathetic.

I'm turning 23 years old in 2 months, I don't have a job (haven't started at the Hard Rock yet), I don't have my own vehicle, my own place, I haven't gone to school yet, I've done nothing with my life. I found the person I'm going to spend my life with. 23 years and that's it, that's all I've done in life.

She says I'm overly attached to things and can't let go. She mentioned death and the loss of my job. I think she's referring to the Grandmother, 2 dogs, and cat that I've lost since meeting her 4 years ago. My Mammaw was my favorite person in the entire world! My puppy, Rolley, was amazing and fun and he passed away way too early. My Boomer was 8 when he went, I was shopping for an outfit or shoes to go to my Mammaw's funeral when I found out he died. Kit, my most amazing cat ever passed a few months ago. Losing my job was not planned, it was forced upon me. I love my 25 kids and the other 27 kids in the YMCA program at Twin Lakes Elementary School. I loved the Blue Dragons as if they were my own children. How would you feel if someone told you that you weren't allowed to see your children anymore because of one slip of the tongue? (I called a 6 year old a jerk)

I know I get overly attached, I always have, that's what makes me such a unique and awesome person to be around. Why would I want to be the kind of person who moves on and forgets so quickly? I lost my kids a month ago, I think I'm allowed to still be upset. Did I mention that the person who reported the slip of the tongue was supposed to be my friend? I talked to her every day, not just about work but about other things in my life. We talked while I was supposed to be working and when I was at home or shopping. I genuinely cared about her and what she had to say. Why couldn't she come to me with her concerns? Why did she go straight for my back? I lost my friend ( 1 out of the 2 I had), my source of income, my happiness, my kids, my everything. I was left with nothing but my empty bank account, a billion work shirts, and my fiancee. I didn't even retain my dignity, when my boss sat me down to let me go, I cried in front of her. No one outside of my family has seen me cry, not even my doctors over the years. I was sobbing and tearing, I couldn't even speak properly. I was going on like a blubbering idiot in front of her. I've never been so embarrassed.

Thanks For Listening

Refreshing Scent

I spent 2 hours fixing and playing with my templates of both my blogs, this one and http://changeinaddress.blogspot.com/. I think they both look fantastic, I'm really getting into the blogging spirit. I really enjoy typing my thoughts and feelings and posting it so the world can see. I've always been an open book, just no one ever wanted to take the time to read it. I don't have anyone, excluding Becca, that really knows me. I only have a handful of friends that I get to talk to and even those people rather be talking to someone else. Through blogging, I feel that people really get to know me. We could be the best of friends and I wouldn't even mind that I'll never meet you. I just want to get my story told. Thank you for 'listening' to me vent so often, I really appreciate it.

Blissful Bloom

I took a much needed nap today; it was only about an hour. For the entire hour, the most amazing woman I know held me in her arms. I know it doesn't seem like much to a lot of people, but it meant a lot to me that she was content on just laying there keeping me safe. It was a perfect bliss.

Flowers in the Zone

This morning, before going to sleep, I was consumed by the zone. I went to the restroom for "only a moment", but I brought the computer cause I wasn't done writing. I wasn't quite done when I looked at the time, a whole HOUR went by. I quickly got up and washed my hands and sat on my bed. It took another 1 1/2 hours to complete what I was doing. I created a new blog, http://changeinaddress.blogspot.com/ , I updated all of my information and made two posts to it. I hope you all really enjoy my blogs, because I really enjoy writing them. 

Is That A Sprout I See?

Tonight I spent about 2 hours looking through the phone book. I wrote down a few places I may like to work; if you can call 36 numbers and addresses a few. I plan on calling at least 5 of them a day to find if they are accepting applications. And if they are, if they would be available for a phone interview right there on the spot.

 I realize that my chances of finding a job are slim, but they're slimmer if I don't try. I do not like failing and I hate not having the courage to face the fear of failing, so I'm going to try. I need to find work, I cannot lay around the house all day, everyday. I refuse to let fear of rejection stand in my way of being happy. After all, that's how I got to be with Becca.

 Things don't just happen, we make them happen. We may not always have control of some situations, but we can always believe in ourselves to make changes in our favor.

No one is going to walk up to you and ask "is this the work you're hoping for? I have an opening in my company, I think you're perfect". If that's happened to you, I want to walk in your shoes for the rest of my life.

Here's to everyone looking for some motivation and inspiration. I'm going to make those 36 phone calls this week and if nothing happens by Sunday, I'll make a new list of 36 for next week.

The Easter Flower

This is the day before Easter. We made cake balls using lemon cake and lemon frosting :) We decided not to dip ours in anything this time. They taste excellent! We boiled 6 eggs and decorated them to perfection.

None Of These Pictures Are Of Ours, I Haven't Uploaded Them Yet. So These Will Hold Their Place.

We ran all our errands, including buying our puppies collars. They were much needed, they've had the same choke collars for 2 + years. We got them the really nice Martha Stewart collars on clearance.

 









Both are brown, they were out of the medium-sized pink harnesses for Jewels, but it looks good one her. It actually compliments her brindle very well.

We filled each other's Easter Baskets with candies, a bunny, and a little gift. I can't wait for tomorrow when I see what My Lovey got me :)

Happy Easter Everyone!

My Garden Froze Over

So the "other woman" successfully ruined my life three weeks ago. Her daughter told her that I hit another child, called a child a jerk, and that I threatened a couple of children. Out of these three accusations, one is true. I never hit or threatened any child. I did, however, call a child a jerk. It was no secret, I informed my boss and the girl's Mom. Her mom agreed that her child in that instance was a jerk, but still I apologized and let her know that I shouldn't have said it and that I didn't mean it. Alas, the "other woman" reported these things to HR. There was an investigation, the "other woman" took her child out of the program before any decisions were made. So because I admitted to calling a 6 year old girl a jerk, I was terminated. I have no income, no money, no food, no anything. I have lost the second most important thing in my life. I loved my job, my kids, my coworkers, my boss, everything about working for the YMCA. It's all gone, I have 'nothing' but my depression. On a brighter side, my relationship with my SunShine has been getting so much better! We're closer than we have been in over a year. I love it! I love waking up happy to be with her, happy to see her, just happy. I'm crazy sad when she's not around because I'm left with my thoughts of being jobless, penniless. But, I'm excited when she gets home from school. I love being with her and making her happy, despite our lives.

My Garden Is Starting To Wilt

I'm falling for another woman. She isn't you. She's really gorgeous, smart, funny from what I can tell, a great mom, and intriguing. She isn't you. I haven't been attracted to another person in about 5 years. I don't know what's going on. Why can't I turn it off...why is this happening? I don't want to be with anyone but you, I don't want to fantasize about another person, I don't want to dream about anyone else. I want to fix the things with us, I want us to be better than we ever were, I want you!

Bloody Rose

I hate myself for hurting you! I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I don’t like who I was. I’ve changed, but you can’t see that. You still see the asshole that hurt you. I just want the chance to show you and to prove to you that I am different. I need you; I love you! I will continue to change into the person you want and need until I get it right. I need/want you to be the person I need.