Pathetic Attempt of Being a Bouquet

No matter what I do or say, no one truly understands what I'm going through. My Grand Dad is dying of a rare blood disease, my life force (job with YMCA) has been taken away, and I'm pathetic.

I'm turning 23 years old in 2 months, I don't have a job (haven't started at the Hard Rock yet), I don't have my own vehicle, my own place, I haven't gone to school yet, I've done nothing with my life. I found the person I'm going to spend my life with. 23 years and that's it, that's all I've done in life.

She says I'm overly attached to things and can't let go. She mentioned death and the loss of my job. I think she's referring to the Grandmother, 2 dogs, and cat that I've lost since meeting her 4 years ago. My Mammaw was my favorite person in the entire world! My puppy, Rolley, was amazing and fun and he passed away way too early. My Boomer was 8 when he went, I was shopping for an outfit or shoes to go to my Mammaw's funeral when I found out he died. Kit, my most amazing cat ever passed a few months ago. Losing my job was not planned, it was forced upon me. I love my 25 kids and the other 27 kids in the YMCA program at Twin Lakes Elementary School. I loved the Blue Dragons as if they were my own children. How would you feel if someone told you that you weren't allowed to see your children anymore because of one slip of the tongue? (I called a 6 year old a jerk)

I know I get overly attached, I always have, that's what makes me such a unique and awesome person to be around. Why would I want to be the kind of person who moves on and forgets so quickly? I lost my kids a month ago, I think I'm allowed to still be upset. Did I mention that the person who reported the slip of the tongue was supposed to be my friend? I talked to her every day, not just about work but about other things in my life. We talked while I was supposed to be working and when I was at home or shopping. I genuinely cared about her and what she had to say. Why couldn't she come to me with her concerns? Why did she go straight for my back? I lost my friend ( 1 out of the 2 I had), my source of income, my happiness, my kids, my everything. I was left with nothing but my empty bank account, a billion work shirts, and my fiancee. I didn't even retain my dignity, when my boss sat me down to let me go, I cried in front of her. No one outside of my family has seen me cry, not even my doctors over the years. I was sobbing and tearing, I couldn't even speak properly. I was going on like a blubbering idiot in front of her. I've never been so embarrassed.

Thanks For Listening

Refreshing Scent

I spent 2 hours fixing and playing with my templates of both my blogs, this one and http://changeinaddress.blogspot.com/. I think they both look fantastic, I'm really getting into the blogging spirit. I really enjoy typing my thoughts and feelings and posting it so the world can see. I've always been an open book, just no one ever wanted to take the time to read it. I don't have anyone, excluding Becca, that really knows me. I only have a handful of friends that I get to talk to and even those people rather be talking to someone else. Through blogging, I feel that people really get to know me. We could be the best of friends and I wouldn't even mind that I'll never meet you. I just want to get my story told. Thank you for 'listening' to me vent so often, I really appreciate it.

Blissful Bloom

I took a much needed nap today; it was only about an hour. For the entire hour, the most amazing woman I know held me in her arms. I know it doesn't seem like much to a lot of people, but it meant a lot to me that she was content on just laying there keeping me safe. It was a perfect bliss.

Flowers in the Zone

This morning, before going to sleep, I was consumed by the zone. I went to the restroom for "only a moment", but I brought the computer cause I wasn't done writing. I wasn't quite done when I looked at the time, a whole HOUR went by. I quickly got up and washed my hands and sat on my bed. It took another 1 1/2 hours to complete what I was doing. I created a new blog, http://changeinaddress.blogspot.com/ , I updated all of my information and made two posts to it. I hope you all really enjoy my blogs, because I really enjoy writing them. 

Is That A Sprout I See?

Tonight I spent about 2 hours looking through the phone book. I wrote down a few places I may like to work; if you can call 36 numbers and addresses a few. I plan on calling at least 5 of them a day to find if they are accepting applications. And if they are, if they would be available for a phone interview right there on the spot.

 I realize that my chances of finding a job are slim, but they're slimmer if I don't try. I do not like failing and I hate not having the courage to face the fear of failing, so I'm going to try. I need to find work, I cannot lay around the house all day, everyday. I refuse to let fear of rejection stand in my way of being happy. After all, that's how I got to be with Becca.

 Things don't just happen, we make them happen. We may not always have control of some situations, but we can always believe in ourselves to make changes in our favor.

No one is going to walk up to you and ask "is this the work you're hoping for? I have an opening in my company, I think you're perfect". If that's happened to you, I want to walk in your shoes for the rest of my life.

Here's to everyone looking for some motivation and inspiration. I'm going to make those 36 phone calls this week and if nothing happens by Sunday, I'll make a new list of 36 for next week.